I come to work and try to find something to do but there is just absolutely not enough to stimulate my creative juice, yes I work for you know who.
I read the news constantly, looking for signs that we are in the last days of this system of things. I can see things are getting worse but because it is all gradual, I eventually get used to the chaos facing mankind.
I come in and sit down and wonder how long I would have to keep doing this. Come in do some bit of work. Go home. I am not motivated to engage in anything. Most of the things I do, I do because I have to. For those things I don’t have to do, I am grateful. Life has in essence stopped as I anticipate a better world according to Jehovah’s promises. I wonder if I will make it…knowing my imperfections, I could well be disqualified from getting that coveted prize – everlasting life.
I keep trying, I take one step forward and two steps back. I get hurt and instead of dealing with the hurt, I shove it right out of my memory while making sure that I do not put myself in situations that will lead me there, I mean in the world of hurt emotions…
I find it hard to trust my fellow human beings mostly because they are as imperfect as I am. I withdraw from socializing because of being afraid of getting hurt. I have accepted life with just my kids, I have lived it for over 16 years. I have to say I have no problem being alone but I sure would like to have friends, close friends. But how does one do that without trusting? It is a vicious cycle.
I have a few friends that find my words comforting, I find myself helping them through difficult times, sort of like a therapist, but at the end of each crisis, I feel spent emotionally because I know for a fact, that at the end of the day, my words of wisdom that are based on bible principals, will again and again fall on deaf ears, and not only that, I feel used because the next time I hear from them will be at the birth of a new crisis. But hey, better to have friends in crisis than none at all.
I have to say though that my friends crises have become an education tool. I have learned that marriage is not for children, that marriage has to be between two people who really, really love each other. Yes the bible is absolutely right, “love covers a multitude of sins”… sins like belching, picking one’s nose, the sins that say about a person that they are really uncivilized…yes those kinds of sins require deep love for your mate. But you see, I just don’t have that kind of love to give.
Well I have meandered from one thought to another, please forgive me, I am not exactly a writer.